Black Carnival Reloaded
by mr-ariesss
Summary: Well it's back. HS AU - "Just go away, my god." Allen Walker just wanted to get through high school. Graduate, enjoy his hobby, which is magic, and generally just get through life. Same with Yuu Kanda. But then there was this loser called Lavi and this and that happened and now Allen's in their group. A magician group. And then everything just spirals from there. Yullen.
1. Those Who are Forced and Fooled

Hide yo wife. Hide yo children. It's back motherfuckers.

Hello darlings. If you've come across this fic before well then that's rad. If you've come across this fic before and have been waiting for an update well then excuse me as I fly away from your general direction. And if you've never read this before, welcome to hell.

No but for reals guys, if you didn't know or realize it yet, the original Black Carnival got deleted because of bad words in the summary so yep. Take this rewrite. And continuation. Even if I haven't updated this for like a year lol not like anybody cares.

Wonderfully painfully negative afterthoughts in italics yep.

Disclaimer: Ah, yeah, _nope._

* * *

_**ONE**_

* * *

_Sunday, 5:00 PM, Yuu Kanda's House _

"Yuu—,"

"Shut it, Uno."

"But, Yuu! This is a once in a lifetime chance!"

"That's what you fucking said about it last year and it still came back." _Liar_.

Lavi sighed. "Kanda—,"

"No means no, _Lucio_."

"What the hell, Yuu?" Lavi demanded. "I call you by what you want and you pull some shit like '_Lucio'_? At least gimme some credit here!"

Kanda actually looked up from the magazine he was absentmindedly flipping through. "Do I look like I care, dipshit?" _The answer to that would be a 'no'. Do I have to carve it on your forehead_?

"Excuse you, but I wear bandanas for a reason," he sniffed, offended, tugging at the accessory wrapped around his head. "C'mon, Yuu! You might even see some good magic!"

"_I'm_ a fucking magician, why the hell would _I _want to see more of the shit that _I _do?" Kanda was never the one for patience and the redheaded... _thing_ was being a complete bitch. He contemplated on whether he should just go ahead, fuck the police, kill it, or if he should just ignore it and return back to his magazine. He was seriously considering the first choice but then figured that the redhead was not worth the trouble, so he just went back to his magazine.

"I am not a _thing _god damn it," Lavi grumbled and proceeded to mutter a long string of profanities under his breath when Kanda started ignoring him again. "You know, your thoughts are so painfully negative, I can actually _feel_ them being shoved down my throat."

Cue nonchalant page flipping. _Whatever_.

"_Come on, Yuu_." Lavi was just exhasperated at that point. God damn it, he just really really wanted to go to the carnival. "It's been our tradition since we were 12! _Come on, Yuu_!"

More page flipping.

"Yuu."

Kanda's eye just flickered lazily across the magazine.

"Yuu."

Still no response.

"_My sweet sugoi little angelic kawaii desu prince chan kun sama and whatever else that makes my kokoro go doki doki._"

A magazine hit Lavi's face dead-on. Kanda stood up and stomped towards his room, looking like some prissy teenage girl on her period who had been forbidden to go to her date. Lavi grinned, his face hidden under the book thrown to him. "Awesome! I know you love me so much you can't resist-"

The rest of his stupidity was drowned out by the loud 'bang' Kanda made when he slammed the door behind him, almost sending it off its hinges.

Lavi's grin grew wider. _That's right, motherfucker. Five years and counting. BFFs five-ever, Kanda_.

The door opened again and out came Kanda.

"Bitch, did you try on every fucking gown you own?" Lavi muttered.

"Fuck you." _I could be doing other productive shit right now. Like, you know, not getting your cooties. _

Lavi rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Go get them, tiger."

Kanda picked up the same magazine he hit Lavi with a while ago and proceeded to throw it at the redhead's face. Unfortunately for him, the teen saw it coming and managed to sidestep before the book even touched him. The paperback hit the wall and fell down the floor with a soft thud.

"You suck at aiming, honey cakes." Lavi snorted. "Dude, no shit, we have to go now. The spell breaks at midnight, Cinderella." The redhead glanced at his wrist watch.

"Go to hell," Kanda grumbled, opening the door and stepping outside. _I hope killer bees fly up your anus._

Lavi followed after him. "Whatever, _Kandick_." He closed the door behind him.

Kanda walked towards the driver's side of his silver Vios. "Get in, _Lucy_," he commanded, opening the door to the driver's seat. Not waiting for the redhead to get in, he sat on the seat, slammed the door shut and started the engine.

"Oi! Wait up, fucking douchebag!" Lavi ran to the car and opened the front passenger seat. He jumped in and closed the door.

Kanda floored it.

Not even ten minutes into the ride, Lavi's attention span was going haywire.

"Hey, Yuu."

No response.

"Yuu."

None.

"Hey, Yu-"

Kanda suddenly halted the car and Lavi found his face an inch from the dashboard.

"_What the hell, Yuu_?"

"I have already agreed, _Lucy_! I already fucking agreed to take you to the stupid carnival when you should just drag your retarded as there! What more could you possibly fucking want from me?" Kanda snapped at him.

"Nothing, _Kakashi_. I just wanted to greet you a happy fifth anniversary of being the best bffs to ever exist." Lavi.

"Bullshit." _Who said we were friends, god damn it. Let alone that gay shit. This is the last time, loser. You're lucky there's no book here._

The redhead snorted. "Ch'yeah right. When it comes to you, everything is a deadly weapon. Hell, you could even make flowers seem harmful."

"Yeah?"

Lavi rolled his eyes. "Yuu-dear, remember when we were in 7th grade? You shoved a fucking sunflower in my mouth."

"Whatever." _You had it coming, moron_. _You know how much I hate hot sauce_.

The car behind them started honking their horn repeatedly and Kanda promptly rolled down his window and flipped him off.

"Very mature, very classy," Lavi snickered. "Hey hey, we're holding up traffic, how special we must be. Pedal to the metal, baby!"

Kanda cursed and started the engine. Increasing the speed quickly.

And while Kanda was being the crazy fucker behind the wheel he is (read: having races with senior citizens, giving the finger to people who cut him off, screaming curses and honking the horn out of frustration and simply for the sake of adding to noise pollution), Lavi stared out of the black tinted car window. Stars have appeared and the sky was slowly getting darker. They arrived faster because of the speed. Hell, Kanda's crazy-fucker-ness has its uses too.

Lavi grinned as the huge tents came closer into view.

"We're here, _Kagami_."

"I could fucking see, jackass." Kanda parked into an open space. He turned off the engine and got out from his side of the car.

"Doesn't seem like it." Lavi said, getting out from his side as well.

"Wow." Kanda deadpanned, shutting his door. "Do I fucking care?"

"Uh...Yes?Because if you really don't care, you wouldn't bother answering." Lavi's grin grew wider.

Ouch. Lavi got him there. The bastard.

Kanda rubbed his left temple.

"Just...shut up."

Lavi walked over to Kanda. "Anything for you, princess."

Kanda kicked his shin.

* * *

"_Come on up! Come on up! Come see the one... the only...'Crowned Clown'_!"

"Hm, 'Crowned Clown', huh?" Lavi scratched his chin. "Hey, Yuu, let's go see that!" Turning around, he pointed at a big white tent that had a huge crowd surrounding it.

Lavi's eyes widened when a pair of rough hands seized his shoulders.

"Look, _Lesbian,_ I have _endured_ four of that fucking spinning teacup shit, three bitchy vikings, a god damn clown show, five rounds of that traumatizing ferris wheel and six of that crap you call roller-fucking-coaster! And now you expect me to see a fucking magic show? Dream on, bastard." Kanda snarled at the redhead's face, emphasizing each name of the ride with a rough shake of Lavi's shoulder.

"Aw, c'mon, Yuu! Just this one show!" Lavi pleaded, adjusting his bright green bandana, and putting on his best 'kicked puppy' look which he was fully aware that will not work on Kanda. But, what the hell, Kanda told him to dream on so dream on he shall.

"No means no, retardo."

"But, Yuu, it would be fun to see this 'Crowned Bitch' mess up, right?"

Kanda actually stopped walking away. "I will eat you." He snapped, turning around and Lavi cheered.

"Anytime, baby."

The loud speakers boomed inside the tent. "Introducing the best magician on the face of the earth... The best illusionist you'll see with your eyes... Be ready to be amazed by Black Carnival's very own professional magician... The Crowned Clown!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd, grating on Kanda's nerves.

There was a loud 'bang' and smoke filled the place.

As the air cleared, a figure was seen. He was wearing a furry white coat above a white three-piece suit. A silver harlequin mask hid half his face and his messy mop of white hair which lasts halfway of his neck was tied up in a spiky ponytail. A red scar ran over his eye, one end ending near his chin and the other end, which was shaped like a pentagon, rested on his forehead. He looked around fifteen or sixteen. His skin was completely pale and his features were a cross between feminine and boyish. His cheeks still had small amounts of baby fat, he was slim, and there was an aura around him that simply screamed, _I am a fakely innocent bitch. Call me short and I will throat-fuck you with a chainsaw_.

He bowed, and when he raised his head and stood up to his full height - which Kanda noted with a snicker was short, by the way -, he removed the mask. His gray eyes were bright and sparkling with malice and excitement.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Black Carnival, I am the 'Crowned Clown' and I will be your entertainer for the night!" His words were coated with a thick British accent.

Somebody screamed from the crowd. "_STRIP_!"

The Crowned Bitch just laughed. "No, gentlemen, not that kind of entertainment! More along the lines of..." He raised his left hand and every eye followed. "Magic." He immediately clenched his hand, jerked it down, and to people's amazement, his hand was holding a bouquet of roses.

Kanda snorted. _Are you even for real. I could do that shit underwater in Cuba. While fighting off sharks. With a hairpin_.

The white haired teen grinned. "Now isn't that cheesy? Now, like most cheesy magician acts, I'm going to get an assistant from our lovely audience. "Many people raised their hands to volunteer. "Hm... Let's see... Ah! Yes! You, ma'am, with the long ponytail! The one sitting beside the red haired man wearing a green bandana!"

And the Crowned Clown's finger was found pointed at Kanda.

Wait, hold on.

_Ma'am_?

* * *

Well this was painful to go through.

No for reals I don't like bashing my own work but wow man the flow just wow ok I was 11 when I wrote this wow ok im 14 now but just wow ok

Anyways this was sort of the best I could do for the time being, I tried my best to make the conversations less awkward and fix how the story flows. But alas! I am a loser.

Oh and I'll try my best to get the plot together at an earlier chapter, maybe merge a few earlier chapters together yes ok ok

and since no one is going to cheer for me gO ME

props to theotakusupreme for reminding me that Black Carnival exists and should be rewritten u ROCK

But whatever I'll update tomorrow or something yep yes


	2. Those Who Meet

_**TWO**_

* * *

Kanda looked like as though someone raped him. Without a condom. He crossed his arms stubbornly and was about to say, 'fuck no, moron' but Lavi being the douche he is pushed the Asian man towards the waiting magician.

Unfortunately for Kanda and fortunately for everybody else, the redhead and the 'victim' was sitting on the first row. Therefore, it only took a push to make Kanda stagger to the center of the tent.

"Good evening, what's your name?" The white haired guy inquired to the pissed black haired man, smiling.

"It's none of your fucking business. And wipe that freakin' smile off your damn fugly face before I wipe it off myself...with a mop."

The Crowned Clown blinked twice. He never thought it was possible for someone to be this rude. But instantly, he recovered and said, forcing his lips to smile, "Well, if you're gonna use a mop, shouldn't it be 'before I mop it off myself'?"

Lavi's voice was heard over the chuckles from the audience. "OWNED, YUU!"

Kanda shot the shorter magician a glare. "Fine, you brat. Kanda."

The white haired man smiled so brightly it almost blinded Kanda. "Pleasure to meet you. Now, let's get you changed into something more appropriate for magic."

Kanda crossed his arms again. What the hell was wrong with a black shirt and pants? "Well, if you could fucking see, jackass, I haven't brought anything with me."

The Crowned just smiled. "Oh, that won't be a problem." In one fluid wave of his hand, a black wand appeared out of nowhere. Kanda blinked. _Did that kid just...? Fuck no. Of course not. It's impossible. He just wasn't paying attention._

"And what, are you gonna make me wear that stick?" Kanda asked sarcastically.

"Oh, yes." He smiled, though it was obvious that he was gritting his teeth like hell. He quickly muttered under his breath. "Well at least this stick is shorter than the one up your..." he trailed off.

Kanda frowned, not hearing the last part. "It was a rhetorical question." He fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"I was humoring you, anyways. On the other hand, let's get this show on the road!"

The white haired man tapped Kanda's head with the wand and confetti burst out from the tip of the black stick. It coated Kanda's entire body and he can't see anything. Finally, after three seconds, the confetti fell off, revealing Kanda.

In a fucking gown.

Pink to be exact.

Everyone was dumbstruck.

Well... Holy shit. The crowd was cheering so loudly.

Lavi sat there, not believing what he's seeing. "Holy shit..." he whispered. Then after a few seconds, he coughed... he hacked... he clutched his chest... and fell off his chair...laughing.

Kanda opened his eyes.

Oh fuck.

He realized what he was wearing and immediately turned to the other man. He grabbed him by the collar, making him hover a few inches off the ground, and spat through clenched teeth. "Don't fuck with me, fucker. Give me back my clothes." Oh, how he wished he didn't fall into Lavi's trap and went home instead.

"Oh, but of course," said the Crowned Clown holding up both his hands in surrender.

Kanda let him down and he tapped the black haired man's head with his wand again. "Abra Kadabra, prick."

Once more the confetti burst out and covered Kanda again. After three seconds of blackness to Kanda's vision, he appeared from the confetti and he was back to normal. Black shirt and everything.

"Give it up for, Mr. Kanda!" The Crowned Clown shouted and everyone cheered and clapped.

Grudgingly, Kanda stomped towards his seat.

Lavi swung his right arm around Kanda's neck. "That was awesome, Yuu!" He grinned.

Kanda crossed his arms, glared at Lavi and sneered, "Get your hands off of me, Loraine, before I twist it off."

The redhead cocked an eyebrow and said. "With a mop?"

Once again, the redhead fell off his chair... Only this time, Kanda's hand was shoving his face to the ground.

* * *

"Hey, Yuu."

Silence.

"Yuu."

The speed of the car accelerated.

"Hey, _Mr. Kanda_."

The car suddenly skidded to a stop, and just like earlier that evening, Lavi almost slammed his face on the dashboard.

Lavi had a sudden feeling of de-ja-vu. "Dude, thirty minutes ago, you shoved my fucking face to the ground. And now you're gonna try it again with the dash board? Oh, fuck no. Are you that jealous of my manly face?"

"How about this." Kanda said, turning to Lavi and speaking slowly as if he's speaking to an imbecile. "You shut the fuck up while I drive and no further damage will be brought to that horrible excuse of your face."

Lavi just rolled his eyes. "Whatever, _Yugi._"

* * *

_Monday, School, Homeroom_

Lavi scribbled a note furiously on a piece of paper. He folded it into a shape of an airplane and sent it flying across the room.

Kanda was gazing out the window, thinking of nothing but dismissal time. Or better yet, graduation day... of college. And as fate would have it, the moment he turned to look beside him, a paper airplane poked him in the eye.

Lavi laughed soundlessly, his body shaking as he leaned over.

Instantly, Kanda knew who was the sender of the little piece of hell and he fumbled in his bag, rubbing his eye with one hand.

He took out a correction pen, stapler, a letter opener, a cutter, a pair of scissors, a bottle of ink and a fountain pen.

He unfolded the note that was sent to him.

_Hey, Yuu, what do you think of the dude yesterday? His accent was kickass, man! How did he cheat? You have a crush on him, don't you, Yuu?_

He scribbled something using the fountain pen and grabbed the correction pen. He used it to clear off Lavi's last message. He grabbed the stapler and started stapling the paper. He crumpled it, used the scissors to cut it but still keep it in one piece, splattered ink on it, tortured it more using the cutter, used a letter opener to slash it and he let it dry for a few seconds.

Lavi (who already recovered from his laughter) was watching the scene with his mouth hanging open.

Kanda threw the dying paper across the room and just like the way the sheet of shit poked his eye, the paper entered Lavi's mouth, causing the redhead to gag.

He pulled the paper out of his mouth and thought solemnly, 'poor paper, I pray for your soul.'

He opened it and read the message scribbled on it.

_Send me another fucking message and you will look like this after I pummel you with a spoon_

Lavi rolled his eyes. He didn't even bother to write a dot, that crazy fucker.

He ripped out a new piece of paper from his notebook and he scribbled another note. Once again he folded it into the shape of a paper airplane and sent it traveling across the room.

This time, Kanda knew better so he grabbed the note in midair.

He unfolded it.

_I suspected that much. And I would rather if you pummel me...with a mop. :D_

Again with the fucking mop. And what's with the smiley? He put his items except his pen back in his bag and started scribbling. He crumpled the paper and threw it to Lavi.

The redhead caught the paper but before reading it, he shot a glance towards their educator who was facing the board, scribbling something about World War VII... or at least Lavi thought.

He read the message.

_Fuck you._

Lavi just grinned and wrote,

_With a mop._

He was about send it back but the bell rang shrilly.

The world has the best timing ever.

* * *

For five years, three months, four days, seven hours, fourteen minutes, fifteen... sixteen... seventeen and counting seconds, a certain red headed, eye patch sporting, green eyed, green minded, flaming gay eighteen year-old has been 'BFFs' (as Lavi referred to) or 'a punching bag' (as Kanda referred to) with a certain dark haired, straight-bangs sporting, dark eyed, dark minded, flaming guy-gay eighteen year-old.

Lavi believes that those five years, three months, four da- okay, just simply seven years to avoid shit. Anyhoo, believe Lavi when he says that those seven years have been the best years of his life. (And he's pretty sure that those are also the best years of Kanda's life... NOT. Dude tried to kill him with a spork when he said that aloud.)

But still, as per usual, in every... relationship, there is that one moment of doubt. Several moments in some cases, actually. And this moment is one of those.

Because really now, you could not laugh at Lavi for wondering if this was worth it.

Of all the people in the god damned cafeteria why must he be the one whose face is being pressed ever so roughly on the table?

Theory Number One: No, this is not worth it. Theory Number Two: Yes, this is totally fucking worth it. Theory Number Three: Lavi hates Kanda. Really. Not. Somehow. Probably.

Kanda dropped the trays he was carrying on the table. He let go of his grasp on Lavi.

"What the fuck, I didn't even do anything!" The redhead complained, rubbing the back of his neck. The redhead noted the unusually large amount of food his BFF brought along. _Is he trying to be a fatass, what the hell? Period, maybe?_

Kanda merely grunted and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder before sitting down.

Lavi glanced at the two people who were following Kanda. "So? It's just Lenalee and that dude with the kickass accent from the carnival! I demand an explanation on why you gave me that kind of bullshit!" He repeatedly slammed his right fist on the table.

Kanda's palm promptly met with his face. He dragged his hand slowly for emphasize. "See? SEE? SEE WHAT I FUCKING MEAN? And you're accusing me to be the fucked up one in this group, Lenalee!"

Awkward silence as Lavi stared at the boy beside Lenalee.

"_Oh_." The redhead blinked.

Then, almost giving Lenalee a heart attack, he jumped from his seat and jumped towards the white haired boy beside her. "Holy shit, _it is you_!" He said with glee.

The boy stared at him. _Do not talk to redheaded strangers, Allen. Remember your first meeting with Cross and look what happened to you. DO NOT BE FOOLED_. Or, at least that's what the voice at the very back of his mind said. His first thoughts were more along the lines of, _'who the bloody hell is this guy_?'.

The redhead decided to go with Theory Number Two.

Lenalee cocked an eyebrow. "You know him? Don't tell me you started hitting on boys."

Lavi just laughed, settling back into his seat. He took note of the uncertainty in the boy's eyes and decided to have fun while it lasts." Of course we know him! We were in his show last night. Y'know, the one I was supposed to tell you about. And I don't hit on boys." He waggled his eyes suggestively, intent on creeping the fuck out of the white haired-boy.

Kanda snorted. _Liar_.

The white haired teen slowly crossed himself. _If he gives me candy, I WILL HIGHTAIL OUT OF HERE._

Lenalee just laughed.

The newbie furrowed his eyebrows, clearly racking his brain for any memory involving the redhead. His eyes rested on Kanda, who was glaring at the table as though it had AIDS.

Lenalee turned to him. "Well, Allen?"

And then it hit.

Allen's eyes widened and a huge smile formed on his face. "I remember now! You were the one who pushed that guy towards me!" He grabbed Lavi's hand, grinning and shaking it enthusiastically. "What a coincidence! Nice to meet you..." His voice trailed off.

"Lavi. Lavi Bookman. That there-" he pointed a finger to Kanda who now started glaring at Allen. "-is _Yuu Kanda_. But you-" The rest of his words were drowned under the curses the Japanese man started hissing. It would have had a much better effect, however, if one could've actually understood what the fuck was he spurting out.

"Shut it, Mopper. As I was saying, the guy who's glaring at you for being the perfect human being you are is Yuu Kanda. But you already know him, but whatev." Lavi patted the seat next to him and Allen sat down. The redhead turned to Lenalee. "So, how'd you meet him?"

"Probably asked where a boy could give him a blowjob." Kanda grumbled.

Allen stopped halfway through reaching for his food. "_Excuse me_?"

"Kanda, vocabulary and thoughts!" Lenalee chided the Japanese man, knocking her knuckle lightly on the back of his head. He didn't say anything, but instead he glared at the white boy with a _'go screw with other guys because earth is full. Go home, rainbow_' look.

Allen only let a sly smile play on his lips, his gaze still fixed on Kanda's. "Oh, don't worry about it, Lenalee... After all, I did make him wear a pink-"

The Japanese man shoved away Lavi's face which was slowly inching towards him, cutting Allen off, mid-sentence. "Shut it before I pummel you..." He trailed off, remembering what Lavi had written. "With a mop." Kanda finished with a smirk.

"Get some new threats, freak." Allen waved his hand dismissively in the air.

Retorting was what Kanda planned to do but as the timing reared its ugly head, a choked voice caught their attentions.

Lavi, who Kanda still hasn't released, was currently in the state of choking. And believe Allen when he says the redhead's expression was not funny. Nope. Not at all.

"Let go of him, Kanda." Lenalee scolded lightly.

"Why should I? He fucking deserves it."

Lavi finally got away from Kanda's grasp. "What the fucking hell did I do to deserve it?" He whined like a bitch, adjusting his bandana.

"You brought me to that fucking carnival, then you fucked up when you brought me to that fucking idiot's fucking magic show." Kanda snarled like a, Allen struggled to find the perfect—A DINASAUR YES. A FREAKING DINASAUR. A certain purple one, mind you.

"Why does he always say 'fuck'?" Allen asked, taking a sip from his soda. And then he frowned, realizing what Kanda called him. "And for your information, I am not an idiot!"

"Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot, you're not an idiot. You're a bitch." Kanda snapped.

Allen's eyes widened. "Why you-!"

Lavi laughed, patting Allen's head. "Don't mind him, Al. He's just jealous of you and your awesome magician skills." He pinched the boy's cheek. "And he's Kanda, he'll always say fuck. What's the day today? Monday?" Allen nodded, confused. "Yup. He'll definitely say 'fuck'." The redhead grinned at Kanda and Lenalee laughed.

Allen cocked an eyebrow. "Huh? What does Monday have to do with him cussing?"

Lavi chuckled. "You see, Al, during the years Yuu and I-"

"Me?" Allen asked, confused.

Lenalee face-palmed. "Wrong move, Skittles. How about some introductions first."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. The name's Lavi. The Lavi. Eighteen years old. Too awesome to be a Senior, but I'm still one. Nicknames are 'Sexy Lord'-"

"Or 'Gay Lord'." Kanda grunted.

"Or 'Skittles'. Because when you're around him you could just 'taste the freakin' rainbow." Lenalee added in, snorting.

"Hey, that just means I bring the happiness!" Lavi contradicted.

"No. That means you're so gay to the point that we can taste the gayness." The Asian man retorted.

"Yuu, I hate to break this to you but... you're gayer than-"

Lenalee coughed into her fist. "Anyways, we call Lavi whatever we want, he's not that important. I'm Lenalee Lee, a sixteen year old sophomore. I'm Chinese, by the way." She smiled. "Nice to meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine, Miss Lee. I'm Allen Walker and I'm fifteen. I'm British and I'm a freshman."

Lenalee ruffled the white haired boy's hair. "Aw, you're so polite."

"Plus you're British! Awesome!" Lavi grinned.

A few seconds of silence.

The other three looked at Kanda.

Kanda blinked, taking a sip from his soda. "_What_?" He demanded, frowning.

"Dude, it's, like_, your_ turn." Lavi said.

"Did you really think I'll do it? I knew you were fucking stupid but I never knew you were that stupid... Oh, wait, I did. Shut the fuck up."

"Fuck you, Jap." Lavi replied happily. "Anyways, that's Yuu Kanda. But don't call him by his first name 'cause... well, I think you're smart enough to know. He's eighteen and a senior, just like me... Though he's not as awesome as yours truly. And, yes, he's Japanese."

Allen nodded. "Okay... So now, please elaborate what does Monday have to do with him saying... that word."

Lavi grinned. "Y'see, during the years Yuu and I have been best of friends-"

Lenalee laughed, Kanda glared at the redhead and a look of amusement spread through Allen's face. Who would've thought Kanda would accept such a -excuse the frankness- gay term be bestowed upon him.

"FIVE YEARS, LEE. FIVE WONDERFUL, FLAMBOYANT YEARS," he laughed. "Okay, so anyways, Lenalee and I have known Kanda for a very long time blah blah blah, long story short. We realized that when it's Monday, he says 'fuck' more often. 'Shit' on Tuesdays. 'Bitch' on Wednesdays. 'Asshole' on Thursdays. And 'bastard' on Fridays. Oh, and, during the weekends, it's a mixture of everything. Hell, you'd be surprised with his vo-curse-olary. And that's not even a word."

Allen nodded. "Mhm. Right. No Logic at all. Suits him." He smiled and reached for his food.

"Idiots and woman, I am not deaf. I am right here. I am right beside you, bitches and woman. I could hear every single fucking word."

"Sorry, Kanda, we didn't notice you... You're just not that important." Lenalee snorted. And Allen fist-pumped with her.

Lavi raised his right hand enthusiastically, his other hand reaching for some food. "HE'S IMPORTANT TO ME!"

The dark haired man, who had enough of the stupidity, chose not to retort, just flipped him off, and continued drinking.

The redhead hummed nibbling on a french fry. "So, how did you met him, Lenalee?"

Kanda, who supposedly had enough of the stupidity, but apparently not since he still chirped in, grumbled. "I stand by my Blowjob Theory."

Allen rubbed his temple, and Lenalee stuck her tongue at him. "He was asking for directions." She shrugged.

The Japanese magician, who supposedly had enough of the stupidity, but apparently not since he still commented, but still, now, in a way chose to redeem himself and stand by his first thought, did not comment anymore on how stupid it was to get lost with maps printed on every fucking wall.

They ate in silence until...

"Want some candy, Al?"

* * *

Kanda has a swearing schedule.

A swearing schedule

Excuse ur faces but a swearing schedule

Just

A

Motherfucking

Swearing

_Schedule_

U guys aint got no pancake mix where's yo god now guys nowhere that's where ok

No but for reals

Um yeah im just babbling but whatev I'll update by Friday because school but it'll be a long chapter since merging prev chaps and stuff and peace out lovelies


	3. Those Who are Dragged Alonh (Hotdigidy)

**_THREE_**

* * *

_5th Period, Senior Class, School_

Kanda, oh Kanda. God bless his tolerance. Or whatever little of it he has. Especially during classes.

His classes were okay, really. But then there are the teachers and the homework and the retarded people around him.

And then there was this.

"Bmph-Bmph-chk-B-B-B-Bmph-chk-Bmph-Somebody scream!"

Lavi Bookman Jr. (_the third_, Lavi would always say. Or fourth. The redhead says he wasn't really sure.) has a lot of personas. And Kanda, oh Kanda, well, he has to endure them all. Day by day. Each day. Everyday. _Like today._

There was Lavi releasing his inner DJ slash beat boxer (when Kanda grudgingly admitted that Lavi was very talented in various aspects and fields, he then enumerated a list of what Lavi was _not_ good at. In the top ten there was beat boxing, for it really just reminded him of that stupid old Xerox machine in the library that never did seem to copy shit, but rather, just produce a shitload of sounds that gave him the impression of dying whales and well, _stupid old Xerox machines_.), also more commonly titled in Kanda's head as '_Yo, Shut The Fuck Up_'

"I'mabeeI'mabeeI'mabeeI'mabeeloljk,I'mawasp."

And this was when the redhead starts shaking and doing these weird hand spasms and Kanda wonders how the fuck can the people around him find that shit entertaining and really now, how can their teacher not take notice? _He was vibrating for god's sake_!

"I'm bringing sexy back! YEAH! Them other boys don't know how to act! YEAH!"

Then there's… _this_. (Kanda found it very hard to describe since it was really just narcissism with a douse of faggotry and a little, okay, a _lot_ of bullshittery.)

"No good! You're up to no good! But, damn Yuu look good when I'm drunk! S-C-A-N-D-to the-A-to the-L-O-U-S! Can't handle it! Can't handle it! Damn, that Yuu's so SCANDALOUS!"

And then this is when Kanda is one remix away from stabbing himself on the face with a mechanical eraser until he bleeds to death.

"Let me hear you say this shit is S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-A-F-R-A-what the actual fuck."

And then there was Lavi releasing his inner stripper.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt! Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy, yeah it hurts!"

And that was _no._

_That was just not okay_.

"_I will rearrange your face_!" It was more of a hiss than a yell but everyone in the room heard it, even their teacher, by some miracle, and all eyes were now on him.

He just glared at them all and hissed something under his breath, and when his classmates realized that they were, in fact, looking weirdly at the guy who could commit mass homicide with the mechanical eraser he has, they decided to mind their own fucking business.

Kanda turned dangerously to face Lavi. He was about to strangle him with his bare hands when their teacher coughed and caught the two's attention.

"Um, is there a problem, Kanda?"

"Shut your face, Johnson. This shit right here is the problem." Cue jab at Lavi who puts his bag between him and Kanda.

"Um, it's actually '_Johnny_', you know?" The reply was weak, and Kanda found it rather pathetic and well the _class_ found it rather pathetic because Johnny graduated with great honors and all that shit but he was a loser when it came to standing up to students.

Specifically, students like Kanda and Lavi.

The aggressive teen growls at him and that simply sets off an alarm in Johnny's little head. "May you please just um minimize the noise, at least? Or um pretend to listen, even?"

"No."

And that simple reply sets shit down and Johnny starts counting the days until the two graduates, and how many aspirin pills will he need to survive.

* * *

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, I know that there is nothing I should fear..." Allen sang lightly to himself, leisurely walking around the garden and enjoying his time before going home.

And by 'leisurely walking' and 'enjoying his time', he means he got lost again and has been roaming around the school gardens for like twenty minutes now.

Unknown to him, there has been someone watching every step he takes. Every move he makes. And every breath he takes.

"He is my fortress..."

Patiently waiting.

"He is my shield..."

Well, not specifically 'waiting'; Allen going around and muttering about moving trees forming stupid mazes around him was pretty damn entertaining.

So yeah, watching Allen in crisis was fun and shit but Lenalee wants Allen and what Lenalee wants, Lenalee gets. Though, it was never specified if Lenalee is actually the one who _does_ the dirty work.

And then Allen passes by a particular tree.

"From whom shall I be afrai-DEAR LORD!" Lavi had to actually laugh at the scream as he tackled the shorter boy to the ground.

"_What the bloody hell_— _Lavi_?!"

"Hey, you remembered my name, do you even understand how that means so much to me?"

"No. And I don't want to. Get off, please and thank you."

"What, dude, _no_." He gave that shit eating grin Allen was starting to dread and shifted his weight, squishing the boy underneath him more to emphasize his point.

Allen groaned. "_Lavi_." Now that was more of a whine and it just sounds pathetic and Lavi laughs but still tries to get off.

But then Kanda just happened to pass by and notice the scene.

"No."

The word was uttered flatly, and Kanda turns on heels and totters off.

Lavi struggles to get up while laughing hard and calling after Kanda. He pulled Allen up when he was on his steady feet and drags him along as he follows Kanda. "Oy, Kanda, hold up, I got him!"

Kanda doesn't even turn around. "No shit?" he snaps. "Put him in the car. Stain the seats with your faggotry and I will stain your eyes with acid."

"Is this a kidnapping? And screw you, Kanda." Allen frowns, pulling away from Lavi and dusting off his jeans.

"Yes. You will never get back alive. And no, not screw me, screw _him_." He snickers, eyes flickering at Lavi.

"I hate you. I hope you fall on a pit of pythons and legos. I hate you a lot." Allen concludes.

"Oh the tension. I can smell it." Lavi sniffs.

Kanda turns to him. "And you. What the fuck, I said get the brat and get in the car. Not get the brat and fucking try screwing him on the ground."

"Difference?"

Allen rubs his temple. "I'm going to lose it. Why'd you need me, anyways?"

Lavi grabs him by the arm and they follow Kanda to the parking lot. "Lenalee wants you." He grins.

Allen actually stops at that. "Wait, what?" He blinks, trying to comprehend the simple sentence.

The redhead looks at him, stopping too, and grins wider, laughing. "Aw, no, Brit, not like that! Komui will kill you!"

Kanda turns around as he reaches his car and notices that Lavi and Allen were a little far behind.

"Oi, what the hell, move your asses! Get in the fucking car, brat!"

Allen pouts and lightly punches the still snickering Lavin and stomps over to Kanda who was already by his car. He makes a move to open its door when Kanda harshly bats his hands away.

"No, no, wait. You don't get to touch anything. I think I know where those hands have been with what I've seen. No, fuck you, just _no_," the Japanese teen snaps, shuddering a little bit.

Allen's eyes widened and his lips curled. "No, fuck _you_, Kanda. Fuck you from Cuba to Constantinople. Where the hell are you taking me anyways? Like wow, _no_. I should be home by now, Jesus Christ."

"Well, actually, _no_. You'd still be there if we didn't get you. I've been watching you walking around and shit for like, _twenty minutes_. Solid entertainment," Lavi laughs, walking towards them. He opened the car's door Allen tried to get in a while ago, and hopped in. "Get in, Al."

The boy just shakes his head. "No, last time I got in a car with a stranger I only just met, I ended up bartending at the age of nine. And Kanda's a mean piece of turd. So, _no_."

"What the fuck is this, you were the one trying to get in a while ago. You are shitting on your own logic, _get in_!" Kanda was far beyond irritated by this point because well it shouldn't be taking this long to just get in a fucking car. Like, he bet that if they were in some story, like some shitty fan fiction or something, they'd already have spent like twelve paragraphs in just getting the brat in the car.

"No, I am not—,"

Allen actually still had a lot to say, like _a lot_; he could've went on and on for days on how no he was not going with them until he knows why and how this was probably against the law, but then Kanda shoved him into the car _hard_ and slammed the door to run towards the driver's seat and got in.

"I AM SO BLOODY—,"

Kanda revved up the engine and looked over his shoulder to show his blank face to Allen, who was tangled over Lavi who he fell on. "_No_. Does this face show that I give a shit? _Does it_? Because if it does, call my fucking tech support because my face might be broken."

And with that, he floored it, Allen and Lavi bouncing around the back seat with the British boy still screeching about how this was kidnap and illegal in more countries than he knows.

* * *

_6:24 PM, Lenalee's House, Living Room_

"What took you so long? I asked you to get Allen and bring him straight here; not 'get Allen and bring him to a petting zoo then donate to charity and attend Mass then watch a Queen concert', _Christ_!"

When they opened the door, Lenalee sat crossed leg on the couch in front of the TV, cellphone in hand. She looked up when the door opened and Lavi dragged Allen in.

"Yo, Lee." Lavi blinks at her.

Lenalee sticks out her tongue at him and places her phone down on the coffee table.

"Um hi, Lenalee," Allen says, tugging his arm away from Lavi. "They dragged me here. Please tell me you're not going to mutilate me and sacrifice me to Satan," His eyes widened and he added, "Or worse! _Kanda_."

And speaking of, Kanda enters the door, having parked the car, and overhears what Allen said. "I wish," he mutters, pushing past Lavi and him, and flopping down on the other couch. Lavi follows, and sits beside Kanda, only to be roughly shoved and frowned at.

Allen curls his lips at the Japanese man, but then turns his attention back to Lenalee when he heard her laughing.

"Oh, this will be so good," she says, patting the empty space beside her. "Come on, Allen. Take a seat and I'll get us something."

Allen just stares at her. "I still don't understand why am I here?"

And Lenalee just laughs again, getting up from the couch, nudging Allen towards the empty seat, and heading towards the kitchen which was beside a set of stairs a few feet or so from the living room.

"I'll explain later, just get comfy for a while, yeah?"

"Okay?" And he took his seat and Lenalee went off.

Unfortunately, he was near Kanda. Which was the last thing he wanted.

Specially since Kanda's looking at him like he was a leper and—

"Do I have something on my face?" Allen hissed.

"Uh, yeah. _A vagina_." Kanda snaps. "I don't know why Lenalee wants you. Christ, we don't need any special children," he adds under his breath.

But Allen hears that and just—

"Wow hey, I've seen you like four, three times in my life and I already hate you. I already hate you _a lot_. Wow, congratulations, you bastard."

"The number of times I've asked people if I look like I care and _god damn_," Kanda mutters, rolling his eyes.

"It's probably because no one can actually look at your face without vomiting." Allen told him curtly, and pressed his lips together.

Lavi snickered. "Ow," he bit his lip to _sort of_ stop the grin that was forcing its way to his mouth. "But don't worry, Yuu, I'll never get sick of your pretty face!"

"You can both suck my dick," Kanda snapped, but then stopped as he realized just how wrong his supposedly

"Ew," he whispered, mortified, at the same time as Lenalee who was just coming over from the kitchen and had only overheard the obscene reply from Kanda.

She came over to them and gently set down a tray with three steaming mugs of coffee, and a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of the two couches. "I've been gone for like two, three minutes and then _god_!" She looked over at the three of them, and then shook her head. "I really can't leave you boys alone without having a gay orgy break out in my house faster than I can say Komui!"

Lavi groaned. "Aw, Lee, _come on_! You can't just go around throwing Komui's name into a sentence that has 'gay orgy' in it! I'm having mental images here, and they really aren't that _pleasant_," he whined, rubbing his eyes as if it would make the images go away.

"This is disgusting, why am I even here, why was I even born, I hate everything." Kanda scowled, and reached for a mug from the tray, and whether purposely or not, he managed to elbow Lavi's side harshly.

The assaulted teen hissed and clutched his side. "_God damn ow_, who are you, the Full Metal Alchemist? Did you fuckin' have surgery and had titanium plates installed by your elbows what the fuck?" He reached for a mug of his own coffee, too and Kanda elbowed him again.

"The fifteen hour operation's totally worth it," Kanda snorted as a little bit of Lavi's coffee spilled on the teen's lap, missing his crotch by a mere inch or so, causing him to yelp in pain.

Lenalee's eyes narrowed. "Stain the couch and I'll stain your apartment wall with your blood and guts."

Lavi pouted, "I'm pretty sure Komui won't approve of that. I mean, you in _my_ apartment? _Alone with me_? Nope, not happening." He laughed, wiping at his lap with the handkerchief Lenalee tossed at his face. "Gracias."

"You take whichever you want, Allen." The girl said, gesturing to the remaining beverages on the tray. "Kanda only drinks coffee, soda, and the blood of his enemies, and Lavi downs whatever gives him enough energy to annoy someone. And I wasn't sure what you wanted so yeah."

Allen smiled at her and took the cup of tea. "Thank you, Lenalee. But I really have a lot of questions and I'm pretty sure I'm not really here for the sole purpose of just hanging out because Kanda would have probably committed mass homicide at the very thought of spending the afternoon in my company…?" he trailed off, biting his lip.

"See? Even _he _gets it! Fuckin' five stars for you, kid!" Kanda said.

Lenalee shot him a glare. "Shut it, Kanda!" She turned to Allen and said, "Of course, of course. As much as we love your company— fucking shut that mouth, Kanda— I wouldn't have Lavi and Kanda um, _forcefully _take you here without a deeper reason now, would I?"

Allen continued biting his lip, his eyes glancing at the aforementioned duo who were now arguing over something or so and back to Lenalee. "Actually…," he swallowed down a laugh.

Lenalee glanced at the two, too and chuckled. "Yeah, I see what you're getting at. Sorry about that." She smiled sheepishly.

"Oh no, Lenalee. It's okay, really."

Lenalee sighed. "Aw man, why couldn't you have dragged Kanda and Lavi with you when you were in the line where God gave out politeness and charm! I sure hope that Komui won't drive you away!" She frowned.

"Komui? Your boyfriend?" Allen asked, arching an eyebrow. But then he frowned when the three literally just stopped for a second and Kanda started coughing violently, and Lavi was flat out laughing, and Lenalee was blushing furiously with a grin on her face. "I'm sorry did I say anything wrong?" He asked, clearly concerned, because Kanda was probably not breathing anymore and Lavi was turning blue and all the blood in Lenalee's body was probably on her cheeks.

"NO!," Lavi gasped out. "No! It's just—," but he couldn't finish his sentence because of another rack of laughter.

Lenalee was the first to actually tone down her reaction. "Sorry, Allen. So so _so _sorry about that, really." She said, thought the grin was still on her face. "It's just that Komui's not my boyfriend, oh dear god no, but rather—,"

But she was cut off again as there was a loud crash with the gate, and a set of heavy footsteps were heard running towards the door. The one on the other side was fumbling with keys, if the jingling was any indication.

Lenalee smiled sheepishly again. "Well, yeah you'll find out now."

Allen wasn't sure if he actually even want to 'find out now' but he was pretty sure he had no choice in the matter. There was a 'chink' as the keys probably dropped on the porch and a voice whispered "_Oh, hotdigidy_" in an exasperated tone. He blinked. "Did— Did he really just say 'hotdigidy'?"

Lavi snickered. "Komui's really special. _No, Lenalee, don't open the door_! I'm enjoying this!" She yelled to the girl as she tried to stand up from her seat.

Lenalee just stuck her tongue at him. "I'm getting it before he destroys our home." And then she added in a louder voice. "Hold on a sec, Komui, I'll get it!"

The muffled voice from the other side replied. "Oh, _Lenalee_! It's wonderful to hear your voice after a long day! But I think I heard Lavi, are you alone with him?!" the voice took on a dangerous tone. "_Hold on, Lenalee, I'm coming, just wait!_" And then there were more jingling and probably key dropping and mutters of hotdigidy'.

Lenalee sighed and sat back down beside Allen. "Actually, no, I give up." Though there was a big dash of amusement in her tone.

Allen can't help but laugh.

* * *

hello friends i am here

are those sharp objects that could probably result to me in a coma pointed at my general direction?

goodbye friends i am gone

except not rly

hI I AM BACK AND I AM ACTUALLY REALLY SORRY AND IM PRETTY SURE HALF OF YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT AND 1/4 OF YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS AND THE REMAINING 1/4 ARE HELL BENT ON KILLING ME BUT YOU KNOW HAHAHAAHAHAHAH LIFE

BUT YEAH I'LL BE GETTING BACK TO MY FANFICTION MEANING UPDATES HOORAY ((throws confetti up in the air))

BUT YEAH I'M ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE NEXT CHAPTER AND

OH MY GOD MY VERB TENSES ARE FUCKED UP I HAVEN'T WRITTEN FOR SO LONG IM SO SORRY I JUST REALIZED IM GOING TO EDIT THIS LATER IM SO SORRY

BTW IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED IN BETA-ING THIS THAT WOULD BE GREAT PLEASE AND THANK YOU IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE ILY ALL


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